The Weight Of Guilt
by NothingWrongWithImperfection
Summary: Edward and Bella have been married a few months and life is good. Edward is CEO of a business and Bella is a writer. But one night after a stressful week at work, Edward arrives home to an argument and something changes within him. After a dark night he books himself onto an anger management course to try and find out what went wrong and made him hurt his wife. Rated M.
1. Clinic

*Creeps out from behind the pillar*

Hello,

So I am currently loaded down with university work and as it is my final year it's really important. Anyway, on my breaks I have managed to rustle up this fic. It will contain short chapters about 500 words long and **will contain violence, Intermittent Explosive Disorder and a whole lot of other stuff. **

**If this subject is sensitive for you please do not read this story. I would hate for any of my readers to be effected by the content of this story but I also know that you will read what you please so I have done all I can. This is the official warning. **

I have never met someone with IED, and all of this is only taken from sources found on the internet. This may not be correct and if not, let me know. I mean no disrespect to anyone who suffers from this disorder or those who knows someone who has it. I merely thought what I would do if I suffered from this disorder and this situation happened.

Updates will be weekly or if I can, every other day due to my work load.

I have also tried a new writing style so I'm sorry if it makes little sense right now.

Thank You and Enjoy :)

I do not own these characters. They belong to Stephenie Meyer.

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"Edward… Edward. Are you listening to me?" His voice drones on and on and it's rather annoying. Yet I can't escape it. I'm not allowed.

"Edward, do you know why you're here? Do you know what you did?" Why can't he just leave me alone? Why can't they all see that I don't want to talk, I want to sleep.

"Have you thought about her since?" he's not going to leave me alone until I communicate with him. I know that, he's done it before.

"You know the answer" I say.

"Why don't you tell me again, just to be sure" He's torturing me. He's trying to make me forgive myself for what I did just like she is. He tells me about her sometimes, when I'm willing to talk. He tells me that she called and said she forgave me and that she wishes to see me and, and… and I say nothing. I don't want to see her yet. I can't, until I know I won't hurt her again. Until then, I can't talk to her or any of my friends because I know they all hate me. I know they all think I'm dangerous. I mean, they should, a loving husband doesn't get angry and beat his wife.

So yes, I do know why I'm in here and no, I don't want to talk about it because talking about it makes me remember and I'd rather forget. That way I stay here and she stays there, safe and happy.

"I have something for you" He puts a white envelope on the brown coffee table that divides our respective seats. I don't move to take it and he doesn't directly give it to me. I know exactly whom it's from; she's trying to contact me again.

"May I give you some advice from one married man to another?" He's going to anyway. So I nod.

"You married Bella for a reason right? It was because you loved her. Ignoring her won't make it better, it will just give her reason to believe you don't love her anymore" But I do.

I take the envelope and head to the door. My session isn't finished but I have a feeling that this was just what he wanted. He just wanted me to take the damn letter and read it. That way next time, I will have made progress.

"Oh and Edward, She called me today, before this session. She has some news she needs to share with you but she wants to do it in person. Think about it, okay?" He closes his notebook and leans back in the chair.

"Ok, Carlisle, I'll think about it" I leave the room.

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Please review :)

Thank you.


	2. The memories

So I decided to update a little more...

Enjoy.

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I remember the first time I met her. It was a Wednesday and it was raining. I had just finished lunch with my sister and was just leaving the building when she appeared out of nowhere. One minute I was putting up my umbrella and the next she was on the ground cursing. I think I laughed, which looking back now, I can see why but then… it wasn't very funny. She cursed for a while before looking up with dark brown daggers and continuing her assault on the ears. I'm not talking about a few F bombs; I'm talking very colourful language that was not the type any young lady should use.

Anyway, she finished cursing at me and got up. She sent one more glare my way, hitched her bag up on her shoulder and then walked away. She was wearing a tight black coat, blue faded jeans and black converses. I remember because I watched her delicious ass sway from side to side as she walked away from me.

It's one of my fonder memories of our time together.

It was thanks to my sister, Alice that we met a second time. I was invited to dinner to celebrate her engagement. I apparently had to dress nice and wear the aftershave that she had somehow left on my bathroom counter but I had overworked and was heading straight to the restaurant after running an errand for my boss so my grey suit had to suffice. It wasn't wrinkled or smelly so I didn't see the problem. Alice saw a problem the minute I walked in the restaurant and almost had a stroke. I'm not in the medical profession but I have a feeling that if I had worn jeans to dinner she would have died, right there at the table and it would have been my fault. A few drinks later we were seated at our table in the back of the sparkling, fancy restaurant. You know the type, crystal wine glasses, proper silver ware and a fancy piano on a stage.

When we arrived at the table it was set for four instead of three. I hoped that one of our relatives or a really sexy woman would magically appear and eat with us. Come to think of it, I suppose a really sexy woman did show up. I was just taking a sip of my fancy wine when the 'f bomb' woman walked in a tight black dress and red heels. I almost spat out the red wine, almost. Her dark hair was pulled back into a very tight bun and if I had known just how much I loved it down I would have pulled the pins out right there at the table. I introduced myself as Edward Masen and she introduced herself as Bella. Just Bella. Of course Alice was all chatty after that but I honestly didn't understand a word she said. I was too busy trying to see down Bella's dress. No wait, that's a lie. I did understand something Alice said, she ordered the duck and I only know that because I did too. If I remember rightly, Bella didn't swear while at dinner. She swore while we were dancing in a nightclub a few streets away. I remember her dropping the 'f bomb' at the same time I dropped my trousers and I suppose being the clever person you are, you can guess what happened next.

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More will appear over the course of the new few days. :) Please review and let me know what you think of this Edward.


	3. Journal

I'm back with more!

Thank you to everyone who viewed and reviewed this story. I have decided that I may be able to update two chapters every day until after Christmas. :)

So keep your eyes peeled.

These characters are not mine, they belong to Stephenie Meyer.

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We dated for a while, she was studying for her exams and I was busting my ass for a boss who never said thank you. It was typical for a CEO so I suppose I should have known upon taking the job but it paid well and at the time I didn't ask too many questions because I needed the money. Bella and I decided that it was silly of us to have two apartments when she spent most of her time at mine. She left her shitty studio apartment; no seriously, it was for students and moved in with me. I will admit that not having any privacy was a down side but the sex more than made up for it.

I guess you are wondering what happened after Bella moved in other than the non-stop sex marathons. Did we get engaged right away or did we wait until I knocked her up? I decided that after almost six months of living together, I didn't want to live without her. The thought of being without her made me uneasy. I remember sitting up one night reading, although I don't remember what and looking over to find her quietly snoring. Her mouth was pouted and her cheeks were rosy from the heat in the room and I just wanted her. I didn't want to call her my girlfriend anymore; I wanted to call her my wife. Alice took the news well, if you can call it that. She screamed down the phone for ten minutes before telling me to get my ass into gear and to meet her at a fancy jewellers shop on the other side of town first thing the next morning. I did what I was told and brought a beautiful ring.

I wasn't fancy with the proposal. I didn't put it in her cake or in her champagne flute while we ate a fancy dinner someplace nice. I simply took her to her favourite place, a small park in the middle of nowhere, and I do mean nowhere. She sat on a swing in a pair of jeans and a red hoodie, she looked beautiful to me so I got down on one knee and did it there and then not wanting to wait a minute longer.

The wedding was a stressful event. I had spilled a celebratory whisky down the front of my suit an hour before show time. Alice had a meltdown when she spotted it and wouldn't let me go until she had busted out her stain remover and attacked it. While she was patting the stain I asked if Bella was all right. That was of course, a big mistake. Alice burst into tears and left the room. I didn't get my answer until Bella walked down the aisle on her fathers arm looking beautiful in an ivory satin wedding dress. I'm going to confess something now, I cried a little bit.

A small breeze ruffled the journal pages and pulled me from my memories of us.

"Edward, Dr Cullen wants to see you" I put the pen down and leave the scribbled on paper behind. I have written how we met and when we got married but there is still so much more.

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Please review :) See you later for the next update.


	4. Office

Hey everyone,

Now, I'm sure you have caught on with the writing style by now but if you haven't, allow me to give you an explanation. The story will be mostly in Edward Point of View. It will jump from his time in the hospital to memories, when he is talking about a memory he is writing like he would in a journal. These are best read out loud. The other times, he is in the clinic. I'm hoping that it will make more sense as it goes on but if it not please let me know! :) Thank you.

Thank you for the reviews :)

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"Have you opened the letter?" He asked the minute my ass touched the brown leather seat. I shake my head, no. I haven't opened it; I was too busy writing about the good old times in my journal.

"Why not?"

How do I tell him I haven't opened it because I'm scared? I'm scared she has already left me and ran back home to her father. I sighed and clutched the armrests. I want to go back to my room and remember Bella the way she used to be.

"Are you scared Edward?" He has got to be the best fucking mind reader in the world.

I don't tell him that.

"Of course I'm scared. I put my wife in the hospital" I don't mean for it to come out like venom but it does and it's out there now.

"Yes, you did. But you also came here the moment you realised that you had a problem which is more than most in your situation do" I nod my head but I know Bella won't see that. She has already left me. I can feel it.

"That doesn't change anything" I hate our sessions because he reminds me about her every five seconds and it pisses me off.

"Just open the letter Edward" That's it. I have never in my life seen or heard of therapy sessions going like this. I have seen all the ' and how does that make you feel' bullshit. Carlisle isn't like that and it makes me wonder if he's actually legit.

I am dismissed. I don't like it but I leave the white room and go back to my beige coloured one. The picture of Bella that I had in my wallet sits on the bedside table propped against the wall. I took it one morning when she was unaware of my presence. Her arms are curled around the pillow and the side of her breast is visible but that's all. I forgot I left it there and I don't want anyone else to see my Bella so I quickly tuck it between the pillows. I get very bored in this room so there's only one thing to do. I doodle in my journal and wait until I'm ready to remember how my life used to be.

I'm sitting down at my desk, I don't know why. I shouldn't make a big deal about a letter from my wife, I mean, I know what she is going to say but it doesn't make it any better. I haven't spoken to her for two weeks and the last words I did were ones of the harmful nature. So naturally, I'm nervous.

I just have to do it. I have to get this over with otherwise he won't leave me alone. I know exactly where the paper comes from because I have a stack of it in my study back at our house. Our house. The house I trashed and left her in. I panic a little, but open the folded paper.

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Bella's letter will come next. :) See you tomorrow.


	5. Letter

Hello everyone!

Thank you so much for the views, follows, favourites and reviews!

As always, these characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, I just like playing with their lives.

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_Dear Edward, _

_ I want you to know that when I woke up in hospital I was mad at you. I cursed you and even told Alice that I wanted a divorce. As you know, I didn't go through with that. I also told Rose that I wanted to move out of the house and I have, I'm staying with Rose and helping with the baby. A few hours later I asked where you were because even though I was mad at you, I was worried and Edward, I need you to know that hasn't changed. I'm still worried about you but I'm not mad anymore. I know it was you who called the ambulance and told them exactly what had happened so they didn't have to rely on my memories when I woke up. I know that you left and that's what hurts me, but I know why you did and I'm proud of you. Edward you knew what you did was wrong and now you're getting help and that's why I can forgive you so easily. You may not understand and that's okay, that's why I've been talking to Carlisle too. He's been helping me in secret. I asked him to tell you but he thought it would be better if I told you myself and now I see that he was right. He's helping me come to terms with what happened and helping me work out what I want to do next. Your friends miss you and I do too. A lot. Sometimes I dream about what would happen if I were to break in to the building. I don't very far before Carlisle catches me and tells me you're not ready and I understand but it doesn't help. I want to see you and let you know that I'm okay and that I forgive you. I need to tell you that in person but I can't until you let me in, until you decide to forgive yourself._

_ I love you._

_ Bella._

I can't forgive myself. That's the first thing I think when I finish reading. I get up and pace and pace and continue to pace until I can pace no more. She needs me to forgive myself for what I did to her, to us but I can't. Apparently she has news but I already know it. She is going to leave me. She wants a divorce. She is going to walk out of my life and never look back. She said she moved out of our house and into Rosalie's but why? Was she too depressed to stay at our house, was she angry with me and couldn't be there because it was too painful for her? Either way, she left there and now she is going to leave me. I don't like that idea, actually I hate it. I can feel the anger bubbling inside of me at the thought of her leaving me. I should praise her for having the balls to do it, to move out of our house but instead I wish she had not, only because when I return, the house will be empty and all we built together will be gone. There will be nothing left but I suppose that's what I deserve.

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Brace yourself... things are going to be happening now :)

xxxx


	6. Reaction

Chapter Six.

More will revealed later in the story :)

Thanks for the reviews! xxx

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I don't think I could survive if Bella left me. I married Bella so that I wouldn't have to live without her… but I am living without her, right? She's not here; I haven't seen her in a long time so really I am living without her. I pace another length of the room before grabbing the letter back up and heading back to Carlisle's office. He's sitting at his desk, writing in my file no doubt. He has a number of patients but he spreads them over the days and today was my day.

"Sit" I do. I don't need to be told twice. I fold the letter at the crease and place it carefully on my large legs. It looks so small in comparison to me and I think, that's how she looked. Her small, beautiful body lying defeated on the cream carpet that we had put down earlier that week…

"Edward, you're not listening" I snap my eyes shut once and then open them again, I do it quickly because if I keep them shut for too long, I see her. I finally focus on him.

"I take it you read the letter" I nod but don't say a word.

"And?" I sigh and throw it onto the table. He doesn't pick it up which only means that he already knows it's contents. Part of me is appalled at my lack of privacy but the other part is happy because now I don't have to explain it to him and feel the shame of my actions.

"You have to speak to me sooner or later" I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Why is nothing coming out? I know what I want to say. I know how to say it because I have been saying such words since I was two. I just can't bring myself to say it right now. Telling him will make it real; there would be no escaping the truth. I take a large gulp of clean filtered air from inside the white room and try again.

This time my ability to speak is not hindered.

"She left me" That is all I say. I don't tell him that she has also forgiven me because that is not important right now.

"We both know that's not true" He sets his pen down and leans back in his leather chair. I wanted one of those for the office but Bella insisted that in the summer I would get too hot and it would be very uncomfortable for me….

"Edward" I stop thinking about the soft, padded office chair we brought instead.

"It's partly true" He nods but doesn't offer anything else. This is what I don't want. I don't want the random bursts of help that are surrounded by silence. I don't want the looks from him nor the calls and the letters from her. But I do want to be better, for her, for us.

"I think you know what you want to get from being here" I do, I want to get better. "But I think you don't know what you need from being here" I need to get better. That's all there is.

"You want to get better. Your journal tells me that but I think you need to understand why you got that way in the first place. You can't be better unless you know what happened for you to be worse" I know he makes sense so I nod my head and go along with it. As long as it gets me home to Bella and prevents me from ever having to deal with that again then that's all that matters. I agree to his treatment and begin in the twelve-week intensive treatment course for my Intermittent explosive disorder.

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There you go. However, it's a lot more than that :P


	7. The Wedding

Hey!

So erm, surprise!

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I'm ready to tell you more. I want to tell you about my wedding night.

Bella was adamant about only having a small ceremony. I wanted to have it where I proposed but Bella flat out refused. She was quite creative in her persuasion techniques. Lets just say, we decided on a nice small ceremony in the registry office followed by a reception at my chosen place. I chose the restaurant Bella and I met the second time and hired a party planner. Rose showed up with a clipboard, a solid idea and a great work ethic. Bella wasn't too impressed by the sheer amount of money I spent on that but I was working a lot and she was worth it. It also meant that I splurged on the honeymoon too. I decided to take Bella to Paris for a couple of weeks, which Rose helped me to organise. After that, it seemed that Rose had become a close friend of ours. So when the time came for us to prepare I had Alice and Rose pack her bags because that way I could keep it a secret until we boarded our flight. Of course, Alice and Rose packed too much for Bella and we had to pay for extra baggage. I found out later in the honeymoon that Alice and Rose had packed the extra bag for a reason. Lets just say, I don't care about the extra time it took to go through the baggage reclaim now.

Anyway, the reception was filled with laughter and everyone was having a jolly good time until Emmett, Rose's husband of five years announced that it was time for the lovebirds to get to the airport. If I wasn't wearing an expensive suit and really excited to get Bella to our hotel, I would have killed him. The party was that good. Bella would not stop questioning me on the way to the airport, every five seconds she would ask where we were going and for how long.I will admit that it was kind of annoying. When we got to the terminal Bella was all smiles and kisses. It was when we boarded the plane that things began to get interesting. Half way through the flight the entire First class raised their glasses, of whatever they had and wished us well. Bella, being Bella decided that she didn't want to wait until we touched down in Paris. She wanted to join the mile high club to which I refused. I could barely fit in the bathroom as it was. Anyway, she didn't ask me for sex again until we touched down in Paris. The hotel I booked was situated right next to the Eiffel tower. I had booked a suite and asked if it was possible to get a room facing the tower. When she saw the bedroom and it's view she dropped an F bomb before she raced into the bathroom with a small bag and slammed the door. Half an hour later, she emerged from the bathroom in a white lace teddy and thong. She did the come-hither motion with her finger and I died. Her hair was pulled up into a weird twist and I wasn't having it. I remember pulling out all the pins and throwing them somewhere in the room. I was more than ready to claim her as my wife and by the sounds of things she was too. We had just ripped all our clothes off when a knock broke through and disturbed us.

Naturally that angered me and when I went to tell whomever it was to fuck off and leave us alone, I found myself surprised.

A young man, he must have been twenty or something was holding a bottle of champagne, strawberries and enough chocolate to feed an army of women who were dealing with PMS. He deposited it all on the table just inside the hallway and handed me a card. He left the room without another word.

Apparently the gang thought we could use some treats. Just for the record, those treats went down well if you get my meaning. Like I remember asking the hotel staff for a fondue machine so I could melt the chocolate. We got chocolate everywhere, on the sheets, on Bella's chest and my…

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I know! I'm so mean. I'm sure you can guess what part of him it was. :)

I'll be updating soon.

Thank you for the reviews!


	8. Mail time

Hey everyone!

I'm updating three chapters today. :)

These characters do not belong to me, they belong to Stephenie Meyer.

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"Mail" Burt calls from my doorway. I put my pen down and try to hide my obvious arousal as I go to collect it. There isn't much this time and part of me is thankful for that. It means that Carlisle has listened to my request of limiting communication with Bella. I do want to hear from her but I think I need time. I need to evaluate everything and work through my own inner demons before I put us in a situation that we don't fully understand.

"How's the wife?" Burt asks and I want to tell him but I don't. I know that he means well so I give him the only information I have.

"She's good. She's staying with a friend" I stop talking. I stop pretending that we are okay, that she isn't going to leave me.

"You be sure to get back to her soon" I nod my head. Burt isn't what I would call young but he's not old either. One day I was mopping around and he stopped me to talk about what I was in for. It made me feel like I was in prison but I told him.

I will never forget what he said.

"IED. Where have I heard that before?" He scratched his head and then snapped his fingers the moment he remembered.

"That's right, suffered from it a while back. The officials locked me up in here after a fight. Not that I cared of course, I'm not bad… but I suppose I deserved it. Poor guy can't see out of his left eye now. Tell you what though, met me wife here a few years back. Best thing that happened to me" He smiled and I felt better. Just from hearing something good could come out of my disorder made all the difference.

"Hey Burt" I call when he turns to leave my room.

"What?"

"Do you still suffer from it?" He nods his head. I thought as much.

"You can't get rid of son, you can just learn how to deal with it" Then he left.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the chocolate. Once the chocolate and strawberries had been eaten we were a mess. We took a long shower just fooling around. I didn't want to have our first sexual encounter as man and wife in a shower covered in chocolate. So we called reception and got a change of sheets. The receptionist was very humble about it but I knew she was laughing on the inside. When the new sheets were on the bed we just fell onto them. I remember telling her that I loved her and her repeating it back to me. Then it was just a mess of limbs, moans and the occasional curse, which as you may have guessed was all Bella.

The remainder of our time proceeded in the same fashion. We got up, had sex, showered, saw the sights, came back, had sex, went to dinner, came back, had sex and then fell asleep too content to move.

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Next update will be in a few hours :)


	9. Stress

I hope you are all keeping a track of what chapter you are on because I'm updating like a mad woman!

Thanks for all the reviews.

The characters are not mine, they belong to Stephenie Meyer.

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When the honeymoon was almost at its end, I got a call from my boss's boss. I, at first panicked about what was going on but was told to report to the office as soon as I returned, apparently there was big news to share.

When we arrived back home, Bella took a nap and I went to the office. My desk was no longer there. I just knew that I was going to be fired. When my bosses' boss invited me into his office I couldn't contain my paranoia. I remember shaking and sweating but nothing else. I was worried, I mean I still had some of the wedding to pay for and I couldn't get fired.

I wasn't fired. I was promoted to CEO of the company. My previous boss had been using his position to slack off and dip his hands into the company's profits. The board noticed and got rid of him and decided that as I did all of his work for him, I was a suitable candidate. I left my office with a smile on my face and a bit fat raise. Bella and I celebrated with a bottle of wine, Chinese food and a whole lot of sex. And if I'm honest with you, really honest, I think that's when it all went wrong.

"You have mentioned in your journal that you think your new job had something to do with your IED" I nod. I had stayed up all night thinking about it and it seemed logical. I had to blame something; it couldn't be my fault, could it?

"Was the job stressful?" Carlisle asks.

"Not at first but as the months went by and the client list got longer, I guess it just started to get to me" Actually there was no guessing about it. I was stressed. I had completely blown up in my office more than once since getting the job and had broken many vases. I was on high alert all the time and began to snap at the smallest of things. For instance, an important client missed a meeting with me and when I found out I smashed the glass of water against the bookcase and felt a lot better. It seemed the only way to de-stress was to destroy something.

I tried boxing in secret but that never worked out. I didn't find the same level of happiness as I did when I broke something. I put a front on for Bella at home and tried to avoid any conversation that touched on the subject of work. However, when I almost hit a co-worker who had walked into my office without knocking and told me about a client cancelling a meeting, I thought it was time to do some research. That was when I found Carlisle's clinic and his number. I stored the information on my phone and left the office.

That was the night it all went wrong.

"Let's start with that then" He says and opens the file.

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One more update in this chunk. Chapter 10 already... :)

xxxx


	10. The letters

Hey Everyone last update for tonight. :)

Thank you for the reviews so far. It's given me a lot to think about in regards to where this story is going.

**So we are moving on now, the treatment chapters will move forward quickly. The struggle is only just beginning. **

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**1 month later **

I got angry today. I didn't mean to, it just happened. One minute Carl, a guy who is only a few weeks into the course was talking about how his wife was such a waste of space and the next minute I flipped and had him by the scruff of the neck.

He was trying to get the other group members to feel sorry for him because he apparently hadn't had sex with his wife in over six months. One of the guys, Thomas, I think asked why it had been so long and he replied that the ' bitch had got knocked up' when asked if the baby was his, he replied with 'my wife ain't no cheater'. He isn't the brightest of people and while I understand that not having sex with your wife could cause all sorts of tension but to blatantly disrespect her because you got her pregnant apparently doesn't fly with me. He ended up with a pretty bad bruise on his cheek.

When I had my next session Carlisle said that I took a step backwards, but to be honest, I took a step forward. A few weeks ago, I might have killed him.

I haven't received any letters from Bella in the last few weeks because I asked Carlisle to explain the situation to her. She apparently agreed to wait until I was ready before she contacted me again.

However, a week and a half ago I received a few letters in one envelope. I asked Carlisle if he knew anything about them and he flat out said no. I haven't touched them yet but now I think I need to open them and find out what's lurking below the surface. Carlisle says he thinks it might help me to move forward, I'm not sure if I agree with him yet but I should find out.

I open the envelope with very precise movements, a habit I have picked up from being here. The folded sheets of lined paper come out as one and if not for the different script and coloured pens I would have thought it was a long ass letter from one person. But it's not. The letters are from my friends.

_Dear Edward, _

_ Bella is sleeping in the guest room right now so I don't have long to write this. I know what you did because Bella told me. She had every right to go to the police with a domestic case and she didn't. It took a few days before I realised you weren't coming back and Edward I started to panic. You and Bella have always been together. It's Bella and Edward for life. I panicked and finally plucked up the courage to ask her where you were and I was shocked to discover what you had done. Edward not many people do that. They hurt the ones they love the most because they can and then they buy flowers and make fake promises and hope everything is all forgiven. You didn't buy flowers or chocolates or diamonds. You booked yourself onto an anger management course. If you ever repeat what I am going to say next I will hurt you, understood? I'm proud of you. You are a great man and a wonderful, unfortunately absent, husband and I beg of you, please come home as soon as you can. Bella needs you and we do too._

_ Love_

_Rose_

_Dear Edward,_

_You and I have always been close, like twins and yet I had no idea you were even capable of doing what you did. However, before you start to think low about yourself, I also had no idea that you would ever be so brave. You have admitted you have a problem and you're fixing it Edward. You are fixing it. So you should feel so proud of yourself and get better because I know you can. I know that you never wanted to hurt Bella and I know that when you did, it wasn't you. It was something rooted deep inside that wasn't supposed to be part of you. I know you will do this Edward because of who you are and how much you love. Your heart is too precious to be filled with anything other than love. So you get better sweetie and I'll see you soon._

_ P.S Bella won't leave you. She can't, she said so herself._

_ Love Alice._

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**_Next time, Emmett and Jaspers letters and what he does with them :) _**


	11. Carl

**Hello everyone, **

**Sorry about the lack of updates but Christmas ripped up my updating schedule. If the table wasn't collapsing while we were trying to eat Christmas dinner people were knocking on the front door. So it was madness. :) **

**Hope everyone had a good and safe Christmas! **

* * *

_Edward man, _

_Get back here as soon as you can. Bella has moved into my guest room and its seriously cramping on my gaming time. Nah, only kidding. Look you know I'm not one for sentimental shit, I leave that to the ladies. I am going to tell you how it is because you are my brother and no matter what our blood says, as my brother I think you need to know the truth. Bella's not doing so good, she misses you and half the time it's like she's not here. She's trying to be strong because she knows that one day soon you are going to walk through the door and carry her off into the sunset like you did when you first met. Bro, she wants you back as soon as you can. Trust me Edward she needs you right now. Good luck and hurry up mate. Jaspers shit at Xbox._

_ Em_

_Edward, _

_ Bella loves you. That's all that matters, right?_

_ Jasper._

Jaspers letter hits me more than the rest. She does love me and she's not going to leave me. I have to trust her and use that as fuel to get me through the other side and back to her. I have to now that I know she needs me more than ever. However, it's easier said than done.

3 weeks later

I'm supposed to finish the course next week but I hit someone two weeks so Carlisle is keeping me on for another month or so just until I can hear about a woman and not flip at what the man is saying about her. Carl is apparently here for the long haul, a course that lasts for six months to a year depending on the circumstances. Like me, he hit his wife but unlike me, he did it more than once and she filed charges against him. They arrived the other week and now he's not so smug. He has been charged and put under hospital arrest. I want to leave now but Carlisle says that it is of upmost importance that we make sure I am fully capable of controlling any anger I have. To be honest, I'm worried about that too so I've agreed to it. I cannot even begin to explain how I feel about Bella not filing a case against me when she very well could have done so. It was within her right to do so. Bella may be my wife but she could chew me up and spit me out whenever she wanted to. At times I swear she has bigger balls than I do. If she had filed a case against me I would have given her everything and served whatever punishment.

So far I have learnt fifteen different breathing exercises, three types of meditation and loads of other stuff I don't want to focus on right now. So I push it from my mind and carry on practising my breathing exercises and writing in my journal.

A week ago, around the same time Carl got arrested, I received a package. I haven't opened up contact with Bella yet but I haven't closed it off to my friends either. I ripped the brown paper off and sat stunned for a while. The present now hangs directly in front of me. Our wedding photo blown up on a large canvas makes it easier for me to focus. I know she loves me and I'm beginning to understand why she can forgive me so quickly. If she did this to me I wouldn't think twice about it. I would drive to the hospital she was in and snatch her back. She would work out all of her issues while still being with me, still in arms reach. I didn't realise until today but my arms hang low at my sides when I walk and they search for something that is not there in the mornings. My arms are calling for her body to be moulded around. My body needs her skin in order to survive and it's hard now. It's hard to be without her.

I have to do this, for her.

* * *

**Updates will happen quickly now due to the ones I have missed. **

**xxx **


	12. Blueprints

**Hey! Here's another update. **

**Now, the clinic sections of this story are not as in detail as they should be because of something that happens in the story later on. So you may think, well this is quick and pointless, but trust me. **

**Just hold on. :)**

**Things are going to get interesting. **

* * *

1 week later 

"Mail call" Burt calls from my doorway, his voice is happier today. He doesn't have any letters in his hand so I don't bother to get up from my desk. I fold the letters again at the crease and then open them again. Another habit I have started since being here.

"Ahem" Burt says again.

"Come in" I tell him.

"Do you have a minute?" He asks quietly. I nod and he enters my room. His dark brown eyes search around the room once or twice before landing on the wedding canvas. He smiles and then stands by the desk.

"I have something for you" My eyes are instantly drawn to his hands which now I have looked closer have a large circular pipe in them. I, at first think he is going to beat me with it and I automatically tense up. His large hands find the top of the tube and it pops off, then without warning he slides out a tube of paper and flicks it out flat on the desk.

"What is it?" I ask. It looks like a jumble of lines with annotations that I don't understand.

"They are blueprints for a safety system" My eyebrows knit together as I try and see what he is seeing.

"I've been working on it for a while. I wanted to give it to you before you leave" He says with a smile.

"What am I supposed to do with it?" His smile fades and he raises his eyebrows.

"I want you to build it, to protect Bella" I haven't spoken to Burt much over the past few weeks because of my breathing exercise classes and therapy but I'm touched that he wants to help.

"How will it keep Bella safe?" I ask hopeful. His thin, long fingers glide over the lines and stop at a line that connects to another.

"Lets say this" he points " is your bedroom and you're having an episode, all she has to do is push a button on the side of the door and it will close, locking you out and making her perfectly safe" He boasts slightly, almost as if he believes this will work.

"That won't work, a door won't stop me when I'm having an episode" I sigh.

"A normal door won't, a reinforced high level security door would" I almost smack myself for not thinking of it first.

"When did you?" He laughs.

"Before this place I was Architect" I'm shocked.

"My friend is one" I state.

"Then ask him to build it and keep your wife safe" He leaves the tube on the desk and walks slowly to the door.

"Burt?" He turns "Thank You" I say with a smile.

He laughs and leaves my room.

2 ½ weeks later

I've packed my duffle bag. I don't care what Carlisle says I am leaving today. I need her back in my arms. I don't care if she sees me and instantly wants me to leave. I just need to see her now.

I need it.

I leave the room with my duffle shoved over my shoulder, the tube under one arm and my wedding canvas under the other. I wait for one of the guards to stop me but they don't. They know I am supposed to be here for another two maybe three weeks but they don't even look when I pass by them. I get to the front desk and ask for my release forms and Sandra, an old woman with greying hair hands them over without any hesitation. She smiles and then says "You make me have hope for the rest of your gender" She winks and then taps her long painted nails on the keyboard and I know I am dismissed. I want to tell her that woman abuse men too but I don't because, after processing her comment I realise maybe it's not what she meant. IED is apparently more common in men than in women but I don't like statistics because like myself, they change. I've been back and forth between wanting to go back and staying put. I've doubted everything once or twice and I know I will do it again but right now, I need to see her.

"Leaving already, I figured you would have said goodbye" His voice is mocking and as I turn I notice he is not wearing his hospital attire. Instead of the white coat he wears a sturdy pair of jeans and a dark jumper.

"I didn't think you'd let me leave" He laughs and the joins me at the front desk.

"You have been ready to leave for a week and a half. It was your choice when to leave, never mine" I don't know what to say but I know one thing. I don't want to hit him for keeping me here longer than necessary.

"Wait until late evening, the spare key to Rose's house is in the crack between the slabs under the welcome mat. I'll let her know that you are coming and for her not to tell Bella." He pats me on the back and pushes me towards the door.

"How do you…"

"Rose is the daughter I never had" He smiles and then fully pushes me outside of the hospital. He closes the door behind him and hits the automatic lock. I only then look down and realise that my release forms have all been signed and there is a note attached.

You don't have to come here ever again. Just call me and I'll come to you.

- Carlisle.

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**So... who thinks it's going to work? **


	13. Reunion

**So here we go,**

**I want to thank everyone who has reviewed and favourited this story, it means a lot to me. However there are things I need to tell you about this story. **

**1) No Edward is not magically healed. He will still get angry and he will have outbursts. Trust me, it's going to be a long ride. **

**2) There are reasons for the way his friends have acted. They are proud of him for going into the clinic however you will find out later their viewpoints on what happened to Bella. **

**3) This story will contain a lot of things that people may not agree with. Bella staying with Edward for instance. You may call her stupid and that is perfectly acceptable. Just keep reading. **

**The story will unfold from here on out and we will begin to get other viewpoints, arguments, stress and whatever else. So far the story has only been told from Edward's point of view while in the Clinic... now he's out. **

**Let the coping begin. **

**ALSO... I want to thank those who have reviewed with comments about IED. I hope that none of you have been badly effected by what has been mentioned in this story. **

* * *

I do as he says. I wait until dark and find the key under the mat. Rose is sitting in the living room when I enter the house and her eyes are wide and her cheeks are tear stained. She bites her lip before tip toeing across the room and pulling me into a tight hug. She never shows affection unless it's to her child and Emmett. I am so shocked I grip her tight and whisper that I missed her. She tells me she is proud, and although I want to tell her she shouldn't be, I don't. Without another word she points me in the direction of the guest room.

I don't know what to expect when I walk into the guest room but the sight that meets me almost knocks me down. Bella is curled up in the centre of the bed hugging a large pillow that is the whole length of the bed. Her left hand moves slightly and I catch a glimpse of the two rings on her finger. The rings I chose and put there. I can't contain it anymore. I strip out of my clothes and go to open my bag before I see a pair of my sleep pants next to the bed. I tug those on and tip toe to the side she isn't sleeping on. The covers barely move as I get in beside her but as I creep my arms around her, I begin to feel something is different. My hands search further and further until I freeze completely. Bella's stomach isn't flat anymore.

I fall out of the bed and Bella wakes up.

I should have remembered that Bella is a light sleeper.

"What, how, when?" I start to mutter. The light flips on and Bella turns suddenly and peers over the side of the bed. When she screams I know she has seen me. The door bangs open and I hear Rose running to the bed trying to calm Bella down. She needs to calm down, as the stress is not good for her or the baby. Baby. I begin to panic, my palms become sweaty and my mouth goes dry. Bella has become pregnant by someone else. Everyone else was wrong about us. She has found a way to wound me deeply. I deserve it. She has let another man touch her and she has become pregnant by him. I feel sick. I am going to be sick. I double over but nothing comes out. The next minute I'm being lifted up by Emmett and I don't fight it. I let him pick me up and guide me out of the room. Bella doesn't need to see me throw up. I don't want to see her growing stomach knowing that it isn't my baby inside of her.

Emmett leads me down the hall and into the kitchen; he places me on a stool and gets me a glass of water. I watch him with careful eyes as he puts the water in front of me. I gulp it down and then put it back on the counter. I don't know what to do next. I can't go back into the guest room because I don't want to scare Bella again. I can't leave because I have to explain to her that it is best that we don't see each other again. I can't put her through the stress now she is pregnant. I mutter something unintelligent under my breath and then wait.

"So… welcome home" Emmett says lightly. I don't say anything.

"Whose the father?" I ask breathless.

"What? I thought…" Emmett begins to say. He's about to tell me that my wife's being seeing someone else.

"The baby is yours Edward" It's her voice. Bella. I spin around in the stool and watch as she carefully steps into the room. One of my shirts is hanging from her shoulders and she has sweatpants on, her hair is down and is an array of curls and knots. She has been restless all night. She looks beautiful. She steps closer but I jump to my feet and back away. She can't come near me. She just can't. I don't trust myself now I know she's carrying a baby, my baby apparently. And then I feel like shit for ever doubting her.

* * *

Next update will be in an hour :)

**Well done to those who guessed she would be Pregnant :) Feel free to review with your viewpoints and I'll respond :) **


	14. Don't you dare!

**Here we go. **

* * *

"Edward?" Bella says slowly. She comes closer to me, the white shirt showing how far along she is. She looks beautiful. I carefully go around the island and plant myself behind Emmett. He goes to move but I grab him and keep him there.

"No! You have to be in between us, just incase" He shakes his head back and forth.

"I wanted to tell you but you refused contact with me" She whispers to the floor. I feel guilty now. She has had to deal with the pregnancy all on her own. But she was safer without me here. I could have hurt her and the baby if I had not gone to see Carlisle.

"I've missed you" She says before her she begins to sob. Big sobs wrack through her body and it trembles. I can see the vibrations rippling the shirt and making her appear smaller. How many times has she cried like this? Who has comforted her? Emmett moves quickly and grabs her into his arms. He realises a little too late and then sneaks a glance back at me. I don't say anything. I'm not going to touch her and she needs to stop crying, it's not good for the baby.

"He's not leaving…sshh" Emmett soothes her. And I feel like shit. I should leave really. I should go back to the clinic where she's safe from me and I'm writing in my journal. I'm so indecisive and I don't like real world anymore.

"Of course he wants…" Emmett gives me a stern look but I can't do anything about it. I can't be near her now or ever.

Bella doesn't stop crying. I can't bear it so I sneak out of the room through the door that leads to the living room. They don't hear me go. I get to the front door and am sliding my arm into the hole of my jacket when I hear a heart-wrenching cry from the kitchen. Someone is running, I can hear small feet hitting tile.

"Bella don't run" Emmett calls behind her. The house isn't large. I forget the coat, I don't have time, I pull the door open and almost step out of it.

"Don't you dare leave me again" Bella screams from behind me.

"I have to" I whisper.

"No you don't" Then her small hands wrap around my chest and pull me back. I can't fight her. I can't lose control. In. Out.

She doesn't let me go. Her hands stay welded to my chest for a long time. Her lips find my back and she kisses me. I don't move, I don't breathe too heavily incase something happens and I can't control it.

"Stay with me" Her voice, it sounds so fragile that I know it would cause her deep distress if I left.

She is giving me a chance and I want to take it, I do but I can't. Once again I fail to do what is right for her. I fail to leave.

I let her guide me into the living room and she sits me down in the armchair. Then she sits in my lap almost as if nothing even happened. I can't move and she knows it.

"Why were you going to leave me again?" That's the first question she asks.

"Because I can't stay and know that you will be safe" It's the honest truth. I can't grantee her safety while I'm around. One minute I could be right as rain and the next I could be waking up with bloody knuckles and a whole brain full of memories with regret stamped on each of them. I can't put her through any of that.

"Please, just stay tonight. We can sort something out in the morning. Please" She begs me. I shouldn't, I mustn't but I can't say no. She feels good in my arms and I'm desperate for the sensation of holding her. It's the only reason I left the clinic. I nod my head and she gets up off my lap. She yawns and I don't like her being so tired. I pick her up and carry her the rest of the way to the bed. I'm a bundle of nerves the entire way and I really shouldn't have picked her up. I'm such an idiot. I make it to the bed and put her in it. She pulls me down and I can't fight, I go down and she pulls the covers over us and burrows into my side. She fits perfectly and I've missed it so much. It's almost impossible to even think of the words to describe how it feels to have her back in my arms but it's easy to think of the word that sums up how I feel about her and the baby, terrified. I'm not ready for the baby, I barely know if I can control my anger let alone look after a baby who cries all the time. I put my head in my hands and wish that everything was back to the way it used to be.

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**He may be staying the night but it doesn't mean he's going to stay forever. **


	15. The Box

**Happy New Year from the Uk :) **

Here we go.

* * *

When I wake Bella isn't in the bed with me. I'm not surprised. She's most likely scared that I would hurt her or the baby in the middle of the night. I can't blame her really. I'm scared too.

I throw on a pair of jeans and a navy shirt from the top of my bag and hesitantly leave the room. I smell breakfast and hear laughter coming from the kitchen so I rub my eyes and make my way there. Rose is the first to greet me. She's sitting at the table feeding Henry his bottle. His eyes are wide and beautiful and for a split second I think he isn't in danger. For a second I want to hold him and practise for when my child arrives, but I can't. Rose smiles as I enter and then flicks her eyes towards the kitchen stove.

Then I see why there was laughter. Bella is cooking with Emmett, she's twirling around the kitchen laughing and joking with a large smile on her face. Her light blue dress flares as she twirls and I can't help but smile at her. Her stomach is on full display and it's beautiful. Panic shoots through my veins again and my smile falls from my lips.

"Edward!" She exclaims when she sees me. She's in my arms in an instance and I can't help breathing in her scent as it invades my personal space, I've missed it so much that my chest gets tight and I panic. She can't be so close to me. I step back and cast my eyes to the floor. Bella doesn't comment but I can tell she's hurt, it radiates from her very being.

"Would you like some breakfast?" She whispers and I hate that I've taken her happy mood and stamped all over it.

"Yes please" I tell her. I haven't had her cooking in so long that I want to eat it straight from the pan but I sit at the table instead and wait for something to happen. Rose smiles at me when I sit down but I don't offer any room for conversation. I don't want to hurt anyone.

"So Edward. What did you think of Carlisle?" Rose asks quietly after a while. Bella and Emmett are loading up the plates with breakfast. I clench my fingers on my thighs and rack my brain for something nice to say about him.

"He's great," I say after a long time.

"Yeah. He's been like a father to me" I nod my head. He's already told me.

"He told me you're the daughter he never had" She smiles at this and goes back to feeding Henry.

"Fancy being beaten at Xbox later?" I go to shake my head at Emmett's request.

"Edward and I will be going back to the house later" My eyes widen at Bella's confession. I can't go back there. I can't.

I get up and back out of the room.

"Edward, what's wrong?" I barely hear her.

"Not ready, can't" I panic. My hands get sweaty and my chest suddenly gets tight. So tight that I feel like I am going to die.

"We'll stay here then," Bella says quickly. Her hands are on my face and the tightness in my chest gets worse. She shouldn't be touching me. I jump out of her reach and run to the bedroom closing the door behind me. I do my calming exercises and after a few minutes, I've calmed down considerably. Bella's not in the kitchen when I return but I don't ask where she went. She must be hurt by my inability to touch her without panicking. I thought when I left the clinic that I would be fine, that I would hold it together for her and that I would be able to hold her and never let go but I underestimated myself. I can't do it. I just can't.

When Bella comes back she has a box in her hands, she places it on the oak table in front of me and then goes to the sink to get a glass of water. On the top of the pile is my laptop and work folder. I take those out and push them to the side. They are reminders of why this happened and I can't deal with them right now. I uncover piece after piece of my old life. My pager, my address book for clients, everything that I used when I was working full time. As I dig deeper into the box I find smaller items that Bella and I have collected over the years, things that I had in my office at home. The paperclip that she bent into a heart one time she was reading by the window. The first birthday card she ever gave me, which contained a very nice surprise. I have the picture somewhere. I put the things back into the box and then put it on the floor. Bella is trying to help me deal with what has happened in her own way and I'm thankful but I don't understand why? She could leave and file a case against me but she won't. Surely the baby would be better off? I would pay child support of course and set up a time when I can see the child in a safe setting where someone could restrain me incase something went wrong and I got angry….

* * *

He really does go back and forth doesn't he?

Updates will be tomorrow, I'm thinking 3 chapters, maybe :)


	16. Panic

**Hey everyone, **

**Here's the first of the three updates today. **

**Once again the characters do not belong to me. **

**Thank you for the reviews and follows :) **

* * *

"Edward?" Emmett calls. I look up and find them all staring at me. I smile a little and look down at my hands.

"How about some Coffee?" Bella asks. She walks around to the coffee machine and starts to count out the spoons of grounded beans needed for the pot. Her shoulders are low and it disturbs a place somewhere deep inside of me. I don't like it.

"Can I have water please?" I don't drink coffee anymore. The caffeine isn't really bad for me but I avoid it now as it makes me anxious. She nods quickly and fills a tall blue glass for me. When she brings it to me I bite my lip. I want to ask her all sorts of questions but I can't. She goes back to the scrambled eggs.

"Just ask her" Rose whispers over the table.

"When did you find out about…"I can't say it, I don't know why, I can say it in my head. The baby. When did you find out about the baby? But I cannot say it out-loud because I fear the answer.

"Find out about what sweetheart?" Bella asks carefully.

"The…baby" I finally get it out.

The kitchen is silent except for Henry's slurps and the coffee machine. This is bad. This is very bad. She doesn't say anything. This could only mean that she doesn't want to tell me out of fear. I look at Rose and I realise that was not the question she meant for me to ask but it's out there now and I can't take it back but to be honest, I think I have a right to know.

"In the hospital" I stop breathing. I knew it was coming. I mean, how could she have gotten pregnant after the hospital unless the child isn't mine?

It's all going to be all right, just breathe. I tell myself. Breathe, in and out. One, two, three and four…it's not working. I want to go back to the clinic. I want the safety of my room and the enclosed space.

I push away from the table, knocking over my glass of water and race to the bedroom to lock myself in. Bella isn't following me nor is anyone else.

Bella is pregnant. Pregnant. I know how it happened, I don't know when although I have a pretty good idea. I'm having a meltdown. She was pregnant that night. Our baby was inside of her womb when I lost control. Oh God, I could have killed both of them… I am a monster. I don't deserve second chances. I'm not worthy of anything.

I breathe heavily, too heavily and am filled with so much remorse that it knocks me to my knees and then my cheek hits the floorboards. Wet tears blur my vision and I can't help it. I try to do my breathing exercises in between my sobs but it's hard. I can feel myself slipping and it's peaceful. Then my tears stop and my eyes close.

* * *

**Poor Edward! **

**Next update is coming soon, no really, I'm uploading it right now. **


	17. You better believe it

**Here we go. **

**Here's where it gets interesting. I think. :) **

* * *

I wake up sometime later, no one is around but I'm somehow on the bed. The door is open and I can hear hushed sounds coming from the living room.

"Oh Carlisle it was awful. I hate that I can't hold him, that I can't love him the way I used to" I don't listen to anything else. She doesn't love me like she used to. It's understandable of course and now I know.

"He's adjusting. I told you that after outbursts many patients suffer from remorse, guilt and self-loathing. What you told him Bella is something that he probably has feared since he found you pregnant last night. He needs time to adjust to having you back in his life and you do to. You have spent a lot of time away from each other but you are both still not healed. It takes time, a lot of time." Carlisle's voice is calming and I take a deep breath. I slowly make my way to the door and step out of it. Bella is the first one to see me. I'm not surprised; she has always been tuned to me. Whenever I enter a room, she knows it. Her face is worn and she looks a little off colour. Rose is holding her hand and stroking her hair softly.

"Edward? How do you feel?" Carlisle asks. I almost narrow my eyes at him.

"I don't know" He tilts his head a little to the right and I wish we were back in his office, that way I could tell him I'm petrified without worrying Bella.I clear my throat after a minute of silence and take a deep breath. This is going to hurt me just as much as it will hurt her.

"I think I need to go somewhere else." I feel her pain from the other side of the room. It's like a knife in my chest.

"Just go then Edward. I won't stand in your way anymore." She stands and I narrow my eyes at her behaviour. She's hurt but she's telling me to leave. I don't understand.

I cast my eyes at Rose and she mouths hormones at me.

"I need to do this" I say.

"No, you need to stay with me so I can help you" She argues.

"You can't help me Bella." I shouldn't have said that. Bella's face turns a deeper shade of pink and she pushes her shoulders back.

"I can help you. You need to forgive yourself Edward. I forgave you already. I just want my husband back" She begins to yell. I don't like it.

"The husband who has a disorder that almost killed you and our baby? You want him?" I spit at her. I can't help it she's made me angry. Breathe. Emmett sits up a little straighter in his seat. Good. He can tackle me to the floor before I even get to her.

"I need him. You're everything. I sat for weeks waiting for you to come back to me. I wrote you letters that were sent back to me. I sat at a toilet bowl for weeks trying to figure out how to do this" She points at her stomach " on my own because I had no idea if you were ever going to come back. I went to classes on how to help people suffering with anger disorders; I had extensive sessions with Carlisle regarding what would happen when you returned. I woke up in a hospital bed with an IV attached to me being told that I had been rushed into hospital because I had injuries that needed treating. I wanted a divorce as soon as I found out it was you who put me there. I was dialling our lawyer when Alice found the letter for me. I fucking cried over you for weeks because I knew you loved me and you never wanted to hurt me. So you go and take all the time you need but you better believe that when you have finished I'm going to be right here waiting for you because I love you Edward whether you want to believe it or not" She storms out the room leaving us in stunned silence.

* * *

**Oh Bella what am I going to do with you? **


	18. Hurt

**Last update today. If you have only just clicked on the updates then you need to go back to chapter 16. That was where i began the most recent updates. :) **

* * *

My heart is pounding and I am mad, angry and hurt but I couldn't move. I'm breathing; I must be doing one of my exercises that I used to practise a lot because after a while I calm down. My heart stops beating fast and I find that I don't want to throw anything or throw my fist into something. I just want to calm down. After a few minutes I do but I know it isn't that big of a deal. That was one out of hundreds of outbursts still left to go. I am not getting rid of this disorder and I can't run away from it now. I have to deal with it head on.

"That's why I'm here isn't it?" Carlisle looks at me for a few seconds.

"Why do you think you're here?" He asks.

"To learn how to control my urges" He nods but then shakes his head.

"You're here because this is where you need to be. You're IED was triggered by an argument with Bella. That is the biggest fear your IED has given you. Hurting Bella again. She is the strongest motivation and your biggest weakness. Learn how to control it around her and the rest will be easier" I gulp. Surely he's not suggesting?

"Bella is safe."

"No she's not" I protest. "No one is" He nods his head.

"You have come a long way Edward. You have taken on board everything you learnt from your own research and what we at the clinic taught you. We can only do so much before it is up to you. You love her and you love your baby. If you feel yourself slipping tell me in the first instance and I shall haul your ass out of here. But you have to give yourself some credit and try to work this out. Bella knows it is going to take some time, she understands a lot more than you think so give her a chance to prove to you how much she can help you" He sits down after his long speech.

"What if I hurt her?" I whisper.

"Everyone is praying that you don't but it might happen. She's stronger than you give her credit for"

"Please don't put her at risk anymore. Let me leave before she gets hurt again"

"Ok."

"Thank you"

There's a cry and then the back door slams hard.

"Bella's gone" Rosalie says as she runs into the living room.

"I don't…" Carlisle begins. "Where are you going?" He asks Rose as she pushes her arms into her coat.

"She's crying, pregnant, angry, hurt and driving… She's in more danger now then she ever has been" I grab whatever shoes are next to the door, I think they are Emmett's and charge out the house.

"Where could she have gone?" Rose asks as she whips open the front door and unlocks the car door.

"I don't…" I stop. She could be anywhere. But then again she could be at park swing, the lake or the apartment.

"Does she ever go home?" Rose shakes her head.

"I don't blame her" She flies out of the driveway and onto the street, pausing only long enough to flip off a neighbour.

"Head there" I tell her and she begins to drive that way. I have to make this right. I have to.

* * *

**Oh bless him. He only wants her to be safe. **


	19. Do I stay or do I go?

**Hey everyone! **

**I'm back at university now so the updates will be less often. But, there is good news. I will hopeful graduate in 5 months :)**

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed this story! 

**Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. They belong to Stephenie Meyer. I only own Burt :) **

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"She doesn't go there because you're not going to be there. Look Edward, I know this is really hard for you and I know that you're trying and I'm proud that you are but just think about this from her point of view. The one she just told you. She woke up in hospital, found out she was pregnant, told that you had booked yourself into an anger management clinic and wouldn't be returning home anytime soon. You block contact with her, you leave her a letter stating how much of a monster you feel and that you would never intentionally do anything to hurt her. You then come back and she knew you wouldn't be the same but she didn't expect you to want to leave her right away. She knows that you are scared of hurting her but right now she needs you to hold her and tell her that everything is going to be okay because nothing means more to you than her and your baby. You may think that you need to be away from her to protect her but she doesn't. She needs you to heal her just as she needs to heal you" We have arrived at the apartment. I know she's here. Rose's speech has taken longer than I thought to process. Sure enough Bella's car is sitting in the lot. I jump out before the engine is even off and run through the front door of our building. The elevator is slow so I take the stairs two at a time. She can't have been here for long. I still have my keys. I thrust open our apartment door and pause. I recheck the door number and find it to be the right one. 36A. But everything is different. It doesn't look our apartment and I'm taken back for a second. Then I hear her, she's sobbing and it rolls through the empty space and hits me in the chest. I don't waste any time, I find the bedroom, which has been completely redecorated and find her curled up on the bed clutching one of my shirts. It's the one I wore the day before I left.

Her sobs drown out my steps so when I pull her into my arms she jumps at the touch and tries to fight me.

"Ssshhh" I soothe. I feel horrible for everything that has happened.

"Don't leave. I couldn't bear it if you did again" We have been in this mode before; the day she found out her Grandmother had passed away.

"I can't stay and guarantee you and the baby will be safe. It will kill me if I hurt either of you again" She nods her head.

"It will kill me if you leave" I sigh.

"Bella… please" She shakes her head and grabs my hand.

"Through sickness and in health, remember" I nod. It feels like a sickness but I know it's not categorised as that.

"It's not sickness but it's something we have to deal with together. Edward I believe you have the strength to do this" I sigh.

"I can't control it" I tell her.

"I need you back" She whispers as more tears fall onto my shirt.

"Please, just try and stay with me for a little while. If you feel you don't make any progress then we shall talk to Carlisle" I can't stop myself, I nod.

She cries even harder and throws her arms around me. I panic but then relax quickly; I hesitantly pull her deeper into a hug. It feels like a thousand years since I have hugged her properly and when she sighs deep in my ear and relaxes, I realise just how much I would miss her if I left again.

While she lies on my chest a sudden thought hits me. I have money, I have an architect and I have a blue print for a safety system. I smile at the little bit of hope I have been able to find.

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**Don't you just wish he would make his blinking mind already? Stay or go. It's not that hard... or is it? **

**-NothingWrongWithImperfection **


	20. Henry

**Hello darlings, **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, they belong to Stephenie Meyer! I only own Burt.**

**Thank you once again for adding this to your favourites.**

* * *

Bella and I return to the car half an hour later. Rose is reading one of the books that have been lying on the back seat. She smiles when she sees us and marks her page.

"Where to?"

"Emmett" I say quickly.

She doesn't comment, she starts the car and drives carefully home not even bothering to strike up a conversation on the we arrive back at the house, Emmett is sitting with Henry in the living room and Carlisle is watching the television. Rose motions for Emmett to give her Henry and then points him in my direction.

"What do you need to talk about?" He asks.

I almost run to the guest room and grab the tube. When I come back he bounces a little on his feet when he sees the tube, obviously he knows what they usually contain.

"I need you to build this" I give him the tube and he pulls the paper out.

"We can't do this at your apartment. It wouldn't be approved by the board" He purses his lips.

"Do what?" Bella chirps for the first time since we got into the car.

"Keep you safe" I state. This makes her roll her eyes at me. I'm annoyed at the lack of respect she has for her own safety. It bugs me.

"No Bella, you don't understand. I have IED, I have been through the therapy but it doesn't mean I won't have an outburst again. It's actually a fact that I will have one again and I don't want you or the baby hurt. This will help" I tell her sternly.

"Well what is it?" She asks carefully.

"A complicated safety home security system and by the looks of this blueprint, modified by an expert" I smile because he is spot on.

"Burt" Carlisle laughed.

"Who is Burt?" Rose emphasises his name.

"He's the mail man for the clinic. He suffers from IED and asked for a permanent room within the clinic but before he found out about his disorder he was an architect and designed a lot of the buildings in the city, each with their own security system." Carlisle smirks.

"Burt Simons?" Emmett asks. Carlisle nods. "You met Burt Simons? You lucky bas-" Emmett huffs.

"I'm sure he would love to meet you" Carlisle says quickly.

"He asked me to ask you to build it" I at first think Emmett is going to faint. His face goes white and then a large smile breaks out.

"Lets get started then" Emmett grabs my shoulder and pushes me towards the stairs.

"Now?" Bella asks astounded.

"Now! Move it Edward" I couldn't help but laugh at his eagerness.

I thought Burt's blueprint would be my salvation and would solve all of my problems but after a few hours looking at the blueprints, making notes of the things Emmett tells me I'll need and trying not to think about all the possibilities of things going wrong, I'm not so sure.

His design is expensive and very detailed. Emmett says he can build it with his construction workers but they are going to need a plot of land and all the equipment to build the house from scratch. Being the CEO of a company made me a rich man but I have no idea if I have the amount of money needed for this build. Emmett seems to think I do but I don't want to take a chance. If I don't have enough money for this house I don't know what I will do.

I haven't spoken to Bella in a few hours and I'm worried about her. Is she staying away because she's scared of me or is she busy? I don't want to risk going downstairs and seeking her out in case she doesn't want to see me. I hate being so indecisive but I can't help it. I can't go and ask Carlisle what to do because he left hours ago to be with his wife Esme. I feel better when it's just Emmett and I because I know if I got angry he wouldn't hesitate in putting me on the floor. He would know I wouldn't be angry with him for protecting the women that we love. He is bent over his drawing board and sketching from the blue print, adding his own personal touches and making sure it's understandable for his team to work from.

At dinner Emmett and I are still talking about the blueprints and Burt. He asks me a lot of questions about him and some I do not know the answer to but he doesn't push me. He knows that my time in the clinic was not to socialise with Burt Simons but to get better. I will not be able to escape this disorder and there will be times when I will flip out without even meaning to. Those are the days that I dread the most. I'm starting to get anxious. Calm down Edward, calm down. I can't. I can see it now. Everyone in this house hurt because of me.

"Bella?" I ask when the silence becomes too much.

"Yes sweetheart" She says after taking a sip of her organic orange juice. Everyone else has pizza and although I know how much she wants some, she is eating a very suitable chicken salad that contains a lot of good things for the baby.

"Who changed the apartment?" I think back to the apartment and how I never thought I would be able to step in there again. But today I did without any flashbacks. It worries me so I have to find out who did it.

"Alice. I wanted to make sure that when you got back it was as easy for you as possible. She redecorated the apartment for us"

"She shouldn't have" I say quietly in my water. Breathe.

None of them should even want to speak to me anymore. I shouldn't be sitting at this table, in this house after all that I have done. I shouldn't have been forgiven and it makes me wonder just how stupid they all are. They know IED cannot be healed. Why do they have so much faith in me? I breathe deeper. I can't do this anymore. I can't. I have to go… I'm loosing it. Oh no.

Then the baby monitor goes off and Henry squeals.

"Henry" I mutter. He is my ticket to getting out of this house. A fight between what is right and what Bella wants happens within my head, i keep quiet and wait for Rose to sit back down at the table.

It's now or never. I have to get out.

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**A reviewer mentioned a mother's instinct... that's the only hint I am giving you in regards to the next few chapters :P **


	21. It's time

**Hello everyone, **

**Updates may come slowly over the next few weeks because something awful has happened. My Granddad passed away on Tuesday the 13th and I don't think it has really hit me yet. So I do apologise if updates are few and far between, I just need time to grieve and process everything that has happened. **

**Anyway, here's an update :) **

**Disclaimer: The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

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"I have to go" I stand.

"What? Why?" Bella stands too.

"I don't want to hurt Henry. He's a baby Bella and you are all putting him at risk by letting me stay in this house! I don't want to hurt him and the only way for me to be sure that does not happen is for me to leave and not see him until he can be with me in a safe environment" Maybe using Henry to win an argument was selfish of me.

"This isn't about Henry," She says with a deep sigh.

"No. It's about all of you. You need to accept that in order for me to get better I have to start from the beginning again. I can't just jump into the deep end, I have to learn to be around each of you again so that little things don't set me off" She hates this. I can see it in her eyes.

"Fine! But I'm coming with you" She goes to leave her spot and I can't have that.

"No. You have to stay here with Rose and Emmett." I'm putting my foot down.

"The last I checked I was your wife, not your personal possession. You can either accept that I am coming with you or I can call Carlisle" I laugh at the threat.

"He's on my side Bella" I gloat. I shouldn't do really.

"Of course he is" She says sarcastically.

"You still don't understand, do you?" I almost shout. Calm down.

"I do"

"No you don't. I have to keep you safe. I have to keep all of you safe. I want to leave Bella. I want to get better for you and for our baby. Please, let me go" She shakes her head back and forth.

"Bella, let him" Rose whispers.

"No! I already lost you once, I'm not going through that again" She cries.

"You're not losing me Bella. You have me, all of me that matters. The IED is something that I don't want you to witness until I have a safe enough environment that I know if I suddenly had an outburst you would have the chance to get to safety. Please I want to be with you but not like this. Not when I have so much fear riding through me that I can't think of anything other than the blueprint upstairs and what would happen if we failed"

"So what am I meant to do?" She spits at me.

"Keep our baby safe" I smile at her.

"I don't want this" She shakes her head, she's crying.

"I do. We can see each other everyday and in time we can work up to living together again, like we used to" She hates this.

"No, you have to stay here with me. We are not the reasons why…"

"Fine! I will tell you why. I have just spent the last few minutes fighting with myself. I almost lost. I could have hurt every single on of you and Henry too. I had to tell myself to breathe and to calm down. I had so much fear shooting through me that I almost had a panic attack. I could feel it. I don't want that anymore. I tried Bella but that's more than once in the past two days. I need to do something different." I breathe heavily.

"You had one earlier, didn't you" Bella whispers.

"Yes. I need to change tactic otherwise…" She nods her head.

"I tried to tell you from the beginning" I whisper. I don't hear anything other than my breathing and for the first time I look around. Everyone has left; the seats at the table are empty. Bella and I have been alone, arguing about what to do.

"They left a few minutes ago"

"How stupid of them" I yell. I could have hurt her. I'm really pissed off at them, at me, at everything.

"Excuse me" Rose yells from the living room.

"I could have flipped then and hurt her and you two leave. Do you have no regard for her-" Rose slaps me and it hurts for a split second but then nothing matters, except the release of tension I now have to get. I need to let it all go. I don't know what happens to me but I don't feel Emmett knock me to the ground. I only see a blur and then I'm out.

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**So... can you blame him? **


	22. The Apartment

Six reviews off 100 :) That makes me a happy writer!

I will be updating twice today :)

**I know some of you may disagree with where this is heading but please trust me! The rewards will be sweet, I promise! **

Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Stephenie Meyer. I do own Burt Simons... but that's about it. :)

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I wake up with a pain in my head and a swollen cheek. It takes a few minutes to register what happened and I'm hit with it again. Guilt. It's always the same. I get hit in the stomach by a thousand little knifes. They create a slit that allows my stomach to drop a million miles. I cry. I get flashes. Rose's face as it registers what has happened, Bella's fear and Emmett's quick movements. I cry even more.

"Is anyone hurt?" I know he's there. I can feel sense his look.

"No" I sigh. It doesn't change anything.

"I told you to let me go" I whimper.

"I know, we should have listened" Carlisle says carefully.

"So I can go?" I look at him for the first time since our conversation started.

"Yes. Rose and Bella are food shopping as we speak. They will call when they are done at the apartment and then you can go there" I don't want to talk anymore.

"Bella is adamant about helping you but she understands now." He says.

"I never wanted her to understand that way. I wanted her to be safe"

"I know"

"Then why did you tell me to come here?" I ask.

"Every patient is different. Some can survive in the deep end others cannot. It's not something we can predict so we have to send the patients wherever they feel they want to go"

"I wanted Bella" I put my hands to my head and smack myself mentally. This is my fault, yet again.

"When you leave the facility we can only hazard a guess as to what will happen to you. It's why Burt lives at the clinic. He knew he wasn't ready to leave and that's why he is there. You wanted to leave and with the progress you made we thought you would…"

"Improve?"

"I made a mistake. We should have started with Bella being brought into the Clinic not you leaving. I should have monitored your reaction with the pregnancy and everything. I was too attached to your case and that effected my judgement. I wanted you to be happy and for that sweet girl to have the man she loved back" I don't like the way he takes about this.

"You couldn't have known. Don't blame yourself" He doesn't nod.

"Carlisle, the girls are finished" I pull myself up to stand.

"Emmett, I'm so sorry" He purses his lips and then folds his arms.

"Yeah well we should have listened to you" I don't nod my head or make any comment back. I begin to put on my coat.

"Edward. I found some land and the materials to build the house. I can start it as soon as the land is brought" I go to grab my wallet from the front pocket of my jeans where I place it each morning. I know I can afford it now as I checked before dinner.

"Lets do it" I say because there is no more time. It needs building and it needs building soon. Not only for Bella and my baby but also for my own sanity.

...

Bella is at the apartment when I get there. I can smell air freshener and furniture polish. Has she cleaned the apartment too? She shouldn't be doing that. I drop my bag on the floor near the door and calmly walk into the kitchen. She has her back to me but turns when Rose's eyes catch mine.

"Edward" She goes to hug me but I shake my head. She looks hurt but then recovers. Dammit, I hate hurting her.

"I need to speak with you" I know it sounds formal but I can't afford to get close to her right now because if I do, I won't let her leave with Emmett and Rose and that's where she needs to be.

Rose finishes putting the last of the shopping away and leaves the room. I don't know where Emmett is, considering he was the one who brought me here, I should know.

"I need you to understand that I'm not doing this to hurt you" I state while leaning against the kitchen counter. This room is too small but I don't want to move to any other room right now. This needs to happen now.

"I know. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you before…. It's just that I had you back and it clouded my judgement for a while" She sighs and her shoulders sag. She knows that I'm right. It makes me feel better.

"You are more important then anything right now because our baby is depending on you to protect it. We have to put the baby first Bella, it's what is right." She nods her head and I call tell she is feeling guilty for not thinking about this before. Silence. It spreads through the room like wildfire and I hate it.

"I'm a terrible mother" She suddenly exclaims. It alerts Rose and she comes running into the kitchen.  
"What happened?" she asks. She looks at Bella and then me, leaning against the kitchen counter, stiff as a board. She knows I haven't done anything wrong, she knows I'm not angry.

"I've already failed as a mother" Bella whispers.

"No you haven't" I say. She looks up at me and I see tears in her eyes and I hate it. I hate it so much. I really should stop hating everything and find something else to do. I could despise it, but hate is such a strong word and it fits perfectly for the level of dislike I have for everything.

"How long will I have to stay without you?" Bella asks me.

"Until Emmett has built the house and the baby is born"

"Then we will go back to normal" I don't nod because nothing will ever be normal again.

"We will move into the house and everything will be better" I hope.

"Just four more months" It's the first time I've heard how far along she is.

"I didn't know that" I smile. My baby is going to be here in four short months. Four months… sixteen weeks… I'm panicking and I can't stop myself. What if I can't handle it? What if I hurt my baby?

"I have pictures from the ultrasound, if you want to see them" I nod happily. I want to see my baby. I'm scared shitless but I want to see my baby.

"We better go" Rose tells Bella. Now that the time has come, I don't want her to leave, I want to grab Bella and run to our bedroom, I want to lock us in and tell everyone else to leave us alone. But what I want doesn't matter now.

"Yeah" I stand straight and try to keep the emotions at bay.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" I nod.

"Good" Our relationship suddenly got even more complicated. She's hurting, I can tell. Her responses are too short and too void of any emotion for me to believe she is fine.

"Why don't you go in the living room, I have to speak to Edward" I gulp. Being alone with Rose is never a good thing. Being alone with Rose after loosing it in her home is even worse. I should probably kiss Bella goodbye, because I might not make it out of here alive.

"Ok." Bella kisses me on the cheek then leaves the kitchen. I stand unsure. I don't know what she is going to do to me but I suppose I deserve it.

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Sooo... See you in a few for the next update :)


	23. Safe

**So... I got engrossed in my school work and I forgot to update the second one that I promised yesterday... but better late then never! :) **

**Disclaimer: I do own these characters, I just like giving Edward shit to deal with :) They belong to Stephenie Meyers.**

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"Now, there are a lot of things I have to say to you but those things can wait. I need to talk to you about what happened back at the house and my reason for slapping you" Her voice was stern.

"I already know why and I deserved it" She shakes her head. I no longer understand where this conversation is going.

"You know nothing! Don't think for one minute that we have forgotten what you did to her. Don't you dare stand there and feel sorry for yourself! Now, you think we have no regard for her safety because we left the room. What you don't know is that we have a high regard for her safety, as all friends should. When we found out what had happened that night we wanted to hurt you, disfigure you and take her somewhere you would never find her. We had it all planned out, but then Alice found the letter and gave it to Bella. She begged us not to do anything; she made us promise that we wouldn't be angry with you. That the only way for you to get back to her was for us to tell you how proud we were of the actions you had taken after what you had done. It took a long time for us to even agree that you were where you needed to be. It was all Bella. Bella believed in you and trusted you even though she was lying in a bed surrounded by machines. All it took was one letter from you to make her throw caution to the wind and now that she has you back she is finally seeing sense"

"None of you should have to deal with this" I mumbled.

"Stop that. Don't think for one moment I won't slap you again." That was the thing about Rose; she was the tough one, the ballbreaker. I'm pretty surprised she welcomed me into her home with what had happened between Bella and I.

"I'm so sorry" I didn't know what else to say.

"No, we have to work at your pace. We should be sorry" I shake my head. It seems that is the only motion I have been able to do recently. I once again, hate it.

"Edward, learn how to deal with it" Now to other people that would have come across as mean, as insensitive but to me, it was what I needed. Rose believed in me and she wanted this to work.

"Look after them for me" I breathed. I was close to having a breakdown. I didn't want to cry infront of them but if she kept this up, I was going to.

"You do realise Bella will be here everyday demanding your love and attention" I laughed because I knew she was speaking the truth.

"I know but I still don't think its safe"

"Nothing is ever safe Edward, if everything was safe we would all live happy lives with no worries. Something can always go wrong…"

"You're not helping"

"We just have to believe that everything will be alright and work to make sure it does" She pushed off the counter, quickly gave me an awkward one-armed hug and left the kitchen.

...

"I'll be back here at 10 tomorrow morning, or is 9 better for you. I'll bring the pictures and some other things that I took to Rose's house… is there anything else you need? I can stay Edward… I should stay but you don't want me to because of the baby… the baby, right, perspective, although I don't think anything will happen"

"Bella" I interjected. She wasn't listening.

"It would be easier if I stayed right? Help you get settled back in. Do you need me to cook something for you? Anything at a-" She kept going and going until she stopped mid sentence. It was only when I pulled back that I realised why.

When Bella and I were getting to know each other she would sometimes ramble on about things and I would always make her stop by kissing her.

The kiss didn't register until I licked my lips and tasted cherry flavoured lip balm. I had kissed my Bella for the first time in months and I almost gave in to the emotions. It was instinctive and exactly what I needed to do.

I wasn't panicking like I assumed I would. It didn't hurt to be so close to her like that again. I didn't feel helpless and damaged in that second.

"I love you" Bella whispered.

"I love you too, both of you" I replied, the next second her body was pressed against me. This is why I needed to come here.

"Promise me that no matter what this won't destroy us" She whispered into my shirt.

"I promise" Because every single cell pulsed with the weight of that promise and there was no way I was going to break it.

Not now, not ever.

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**I know many of you said that Rose should have said sorry and while I kind of see what you mean, she is still angry at him. **

**Review and let me know what you think :) 3 reviews to get to 100! :) xxx **


	24. Cracks

**Hey everyone :)**

**We hit 101 reviews! Thank you so much. **

**THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS VIOLENCE AND THEMES THAT MAY BE SENSITIVE TO SOME READERS. AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS STORY I WARNED THAT THIS WILL GET ROCKY AND IT WILL HAVE CHAPTERS THAT CONTAIN VIOLENCE... **

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When the door closes the whole world seems colder, darker and without happiness. Almost as if Bella has taken all the light and folded it up within her small hands until nothing peeked through the cracks. I turn around and place my back flush against the door. I had carried her over this threshold. I had knocked over a flowered vase while trying to hold her and close the door. I remember that time. The apartment has been redecorated and it doesn't instantly make me want to run away. I take a large breath, this is where my demons lie, I have to face them in order to slay the monsters. I am stronger now, I know more tricks and with them I can kill the monsters that lurk within my soul. I sound like a nerd sitting at a computer desk logging onto a role-playing game. That takes me back. Yes, I played online games as a teenager, who didn't?

My eyes sweep the room and I decide to start in the kitchen, the place with the least monsters. It doesn't take me long to come to terms with the arguments that happened there so I take it as a sign of good faith and move onto the bedroom. Not many here, but I find myself liking the new colour on the walls. The light cream gives the room a clean feel, but the red accents make it seem passionate and alive. As they say, this is where the magic happens.

I make my way to the bathroom and catch myself in the mirror. I look awful. My hair is sticking up from the amount of times I have pulled at it in the last few hours. I give up fighting monsters for the time being and decide to take a shower. It helps relax me. I'm sure if I had a bathtub and a bottle of bubble bath, I wouldn't have said no to one of those. Would Bella like a bathtub in the house? I'll call later and ask.

Once I am clean and relaxed I go into the living room, it's been a few hours since Bella left and I'm worried about her. Is she at the house? Has she eaten? Has she been crying? Is she worrying about me? All these questions make it impossible for me to relax now. I have to find out. My sweatpants rustle as I make my way to my bag near the table where I put it after the shower. My phone lies on the top but I have no missed calls or texts, is she avoiding me? How can she be? I haven't even called her yet.

I take the phone and go to sit on the couch but as soon as my feet draw me near, I pause. This room is where all my monsters lie, it's where I lost my temper with her, it's where I hurt her and it fills me with hatred for myself. Not only because I let it happen but because I don't remember what happened.

"Edward" Bella breathes. I don't even recall pressing the numbers on my phone. I'm so happy to hear her voice, to know that she's okay… that I haven't blacked out and hurt her again.

"What happened that night?" I ask with a croak in my voice. She sighs heavily down the phone and it takes everything I have not to end the call because I know this is it, I can't run away now.

"Oh sweetheart" She says. I don't want her pity; I need to know what happened.

"Please, I need you to tell me what I did that night" I brace myself for the onslaught on things.

"You lost your temper" That's all she says.

"I know that. I need to know what I did to…you" That hurts like a bitch. I will slay these demons. I have to.

"You came home in from work about seven, I think. I had made dinner earlier and was waiting for you for a while. I was angry with you, I remember that very clearly. You came in with a huff, asked me why I was giving you the silent treatment and then didn't accept my reason for it. You yelled at me, something about slaving away at work so I could spend it all on shit we didn't need. You got upset when I started to cry and then you left the room. Being the stubborn person I am, I wanted to have the last word but you had already turned on the television. I turned it off and forced you to listen to me, we had a big argument about something or other. I slapped you because you called me a bitch and then…"

"What Bella?" I asked ashamed.

"You hit me back" She whispered.

"It was the first time you had ever touched me in a way that wasn't loving and it shocked the hell out of me. I was mad at you so I kept shouting and calling you names and bringing up things that happened in the past and then something I said hit a nerve and you charged at me."

"What did you say?"

"That I wished I had never met you, that I hated you" She took a shuddering breath and then continued.

"I remember pain and you yelling at me, this is so hard… I can't do this. Edward I'm sorry… I'm so sorry. I thought I could be strong but I'm too weak to do this. I'm no good for you, I can't" She started sobbing into the phone. Her breathing hitched. She couldn't cry. Not now. Do something.

"Bella… do you want a bathtub in the new house?" I ask carefully.

"What? a… bath…a bathtub? That's a really strange question to ask right now" I smile a little when her sobbing starts to wind down to a couple of sniffles.

"I took a shower earlier and I thought it might be nice to have a bath one day" She laughs at that.

"Sorry, I can just picture you in a bath surrounded by bubbles" I laugh too because it seems like something that would be funny.

"Plus it might come in handy when we have to bathe the baby" I am trying everything to keep her mind off what I had asked her at the beginning of this conversation. I thought I would have had a panic attack after learning what happened. In truth I did feel myself slipping when she mentioned about me hitting her but then she started to lose herself and I couldn't have that. She needed to talk about something different. It doesn't occur to me that I am shaking until after I calm her down.

"Edward?" I hum in response.

"I missed you so much when we were apart" Her voice triggers my own emotions.

"I missed you more than you will ever know. I wanted to come home Bella, I did. The night after I booked myself onto the course. But then I remembered the way I had found you and I didn't want to be anywhere near you, not because I didn't love you anymore but because my guilt made it impossible for me to leave" She is clicking something in the background, a keyboard?

"I think… we can get over this Edward" She says after a few seconds.

"I'm scared Bella" I admit.

"I know but I love you and you love me and together we will make it work" She tells me cheerfully. I'm not as cheerful as she is. I can see the flaws in our plan, the cracks in the path we are walking down. She refuses to see them but they draw my attention with every step we take.

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**I'll updating soon( possibly tomorrow night), promise! xxxx**


	25. Dream

Hey everyone!

So... I have a cold and it sucks. I also have loads of work to do for university so that sucks too but I'm trying to balance everything in order to get chapters out to you guys quickly so that you are not waiting too long for an update.

**THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS ABUSE, VIOLENCE AND SUCH. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS TOPIC IS SENSITIVE TO YOU. **

**Don't take everything at face value. This is a lot more complicated than you could ever imagine! **

**Disclaimer: These characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, I just torment them.**

_Previously on The Weight Of Guilt _

"I think… we can get over this Edward" She says after a few seconds.

"I'm scared Bella" I admit.

"I know but I love you and you love me and together we will make it work" She tells me cheerfully. I wasn't so cheerful as she was. I could see the flaws in our plan, the cracks in the path we were walking down. She refused to see them but they drew my attention with every step we took.

* * *

"You have too much faith in me" She made a sound that told me she was arching her eyebrow and about to talk some sense into me.

"You need to have faith in yourself Edward or this is not going to fucking work" There it was, the f bomb. Oh how I missed you.

"Do you hear me Edward? You need to have faith in us. You have come so far and worked so hard to make it right. Don't focus on the negative things; focus on the positive things in your life right now. You have created a baby that will love you unconditionally, you have friends who love and care about you and you have a wife who has faith in you and your ability to overcome this and live happily ever after with her" I smile though I know my life will never have a fairy-tale ending.

"It's going to take a long time"

"I know"

"I wish this never happened" I do, I really wish I could rewind time.

"Me too sweetheart but we can do this" I nod even though she can't see me.

"I miss you" I tell her after a few seconds of silence.

"I miss you too"

We stayed on the phone for a little bit longer, just talking about meaningless things that were never really mentioned before, like what she was going to have for breakfast, because it was important now. Every single thing was important now.

"Bella?" I ask when I hear a small snore from her end.

"Good night Bella. I love you" I told her quietly and ended the call.

_Bella fell asleep on the phone can you end the call please? _

I send Rose the message and then stretch out on the couch. I don't make it to the bed; I fall asleep after watching a rerun of a crime show.

_"I was watching that" I scream._

_"Edward, I wasn't finished talking" Bella yells back. _

_"Well I was finished talking to you" I grab the remote and try to move around her to get to the television. I just want to relax and she is making it impossible. _

_"You can't just dismiss me because you don't feel like talking about what happened"_

_"Yes I can, now get out of the way" _

_"You're impossible" _

_"You're being a bitch" I stood ready to yell at her some more. _

_"Urgh, sometimes I wish I never met you" She is frustrated. I can tell. _

_"Me too then I wouldn't have married a whiny bitch!" She slaps me across the face. The pain radiates through my jaw and makes my arm snap forward. I heard the slap but don't feel any pain in my hand. _

_"You bastard! I can't believe you! I bet you never did this to your old girlfriend Tanya. Maybe you should go back to her, I bet she would accept you back with open legs and a condom!" I laugh at her because what she is saying is true. She would accept me back without any bitching and moaning. _

_"You're just like the rest of them! I hate you" She shouts while walking away from me. I tackle her to the floor and scream at her, she struggles and tries to fight my heavy body. I feel my hands burning, bruising the soft flesh that struggles beneath me... _

I wake screaming, sweating and nauseous. Before I can really understand what is happening, I am sick. I jump up praying that I haven't done it again. That Bella isn't lying somewhere hurt because of me. I check the apartment once, twice and a third time for good measure. My phone lies on the coffee table; I dodge the sick and grab it. I dial her number quickly and grow more agitated as the ring tone goes on and on. She doesn't answer and it scares me to death.

The clock chimes in the hallway and keys jingle outside the door. I run and pull it open. Bella stands there in a white long sleeve shirt and jeans; her hair is pulled back in a ponytail... she looks beautiful. I gather her into my arms and then check every inch of her face for any sign of injury, when I am satisfied there I move on, down her body and then back up. She is fine. I haven't hurt her.

"What's that smell?" She asks wrinkling her nose. She takes inventory of me, the shirt clinging to my chest, my hair stuck to my forehead and the smell of sick.

"What happened?" She asks quickly.

"I had a dream, I'm so sorry Bella" I grab her back to me.

"I never wanted to hurt you, I don't know what happened to me, I hate not knowing, you shouldn't be here. No, you need to be away from me. I'll sign the divorce papers, you need to be safe" She looks at me as though I have gone crazy and for a moment, I think, maybe I have.

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Yeah... his journey is just beginning. :)


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